"080112"

I really love you, I love you to the point where it hurts. I don’t want to think about it, and I don’t want it to be true.. All the signs point to it, it feels like you’re hiding something..something that I’m so scared to ask about.. yes I confronted you about it, but it just feels as if you really didn’t want to speak about it. I’ve gone through this pain so much, that I found it better to let it eat me inside out rather than lose you. Sadly, I won’t bring it up, because I’m just scared of everything that will go away.. I.. I.. Don’t want to lose you, but the thoughts that run through my head kill me. 

If you’re hiding something, I want to know…I really don’t want to find out by myself..

Let’s be honest.. I don’t have any close friends anymore. I guess that’s what happens when you get in a relationship .. you seem to push others away but not on purpose. You’re in a bubble where you and your significant other just join worlds and sometimes that means you do things that you don’t notice until.. time calls for whatever you need or want and it’s not there.

To get to the point, I’m in a 7 month relationship. Oh yes, almost a year…well kind of. It’s not bad to say, but I believe these months are the months where we get really comfortable with everything.. and I mean everything. It’s a great feeling don’t get me wrong.. but it can also be the worse thing that can happen. When that comforting feeling starts to settle in and it stays.. the chase.. stops. The chase that gets your heart beating faster and faster, the things that make you day dream in math class, everything that made you fall for that one person. 

Now, I don’t know if that chase is going to stop, but if it does I’m still going to be there and do everything I can to show her my love.. but the thing that I’m scared of.. is will she stop the chase ? Will the feelings find a wall and turn back ? Will she find another ? She tells me that she won’t and I trust her with my life.. but there’s that doubt in your head, your heart, and that little itty bitty feeling in your stomach that tells you otherwise.. it keeps you on your toes but also kills you inside… this is a test, or I would like to call it.. How long can you keep sane until you break and ruin everything ? Yeah.. I tend to overthink if you’re reading this.. but I don’t think overthinking is bad.. it actually prepares you for what can happen. 

This is my vent to you and to tumblr.. my life is great by the way ! But in life we have ups and downs. I love my girlfriend very much, I just needed to get that off my chest without hurting anyone or saying something wrong. Thanks Tumblr for always being there.. you’re a great friend.